What Will You Gain?...

The past few days I've continued to think about the Special K advertising campaign that says "What will you gain when you lose?"  It sounds ridiculous that with all the support Brad, Avery and I have had, I feel like I need to put extra time focusing on this campaign to lift my spirits and think about the big picture of what our family is gaining during Brad's bone marrow transplant process. 

Today is Day -6.  If you're unfamiliar with how a transplant works, the days start out negative, counting down the number of days of conditioning treatment a patient has before receiving new, healthy stem cells on Day 0.  Brad started off at Day -8.  Today begins the transplant process for Brad's brother Chad.  For the next 5 days, Chad will go to the transplant clinic to get a Neupogen/Neulasta shot to help him produce the extra white blood cells needed to help make this transplant a success.  On Monday, Chad will donate his cells in a process that will take anywhere from 6-8 hours.  If he's able to donate enough on Monday, Brad will receive them on Tuesday, which is predicted as Day 0 for him.  Yep, May 6th is Brad's anticipated re-birthday and we need him to healthfully get to +100 days, which are the most critical days for engraftment of the new cells in his marrow.

Brad has had 3 radiation treatments already since Monday night and is beginning to feel the side effects.  He has started to lose his taste and says his throat feels like it's getting smaller.  Hearing him say this is confirmation he's likely beginning to develop the anticipated mouth/throat sores that will continue to get worse over the next several days before he begins chemo on Saturday.

While I know this process is a grueling one and I'm trying to be strong, I can't help but feel so weak and helpless right now.  I want to be present every second Brad's in the hospital, but know that's impossible.  I feel like I've "lost" him, our son Avery, our dog Max, our friends, our church, our home...you know...everything that's comfortable and familiar.  The reality is, nearly all of those things are even more present than ever before.  I keep telling myself that this is a temporary situation and I need to stop feeling so emotional about it.  Brad has been fighting this fight for 4 1/2 years and this transplant is his chance to stop fighting.  Certainly, I can do anything for 100 days, particularly for the man I love most in this world.

Since Brad's diagnosis, my faith has continued to grow and become stronger, a journey that is reminding me daily of God's grace.  I think about so many decisions I made when I was younger that I wish I could relive and have a "do over."  As I have continued to think about what I'm losing to gain, I've also been thinking about what He lost so we could gain and am reminded of John 3:16  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life." 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings You present before me every day.  Even when things are tough, I know Your hand is on my family and we are being protected by You during this storm.  I ask You to calm my anxious heart and give me strength to have faith and hope in this process as you heal Brad.  Continue to watch over Avery and show Your presence while we are away.  I'm asking all this in Your name.  Amen.

+100 days.  I've got this.  We've got this. What are you gaining on the days you feel like you're losing?

Blessings,
Sandy

p.s. If you're looking to help support my Relay For Life goal of selling 100 luminary bags, each one representing the 100 days of good health for Brad, click HERE.  Your bag will be displayed at the Roanoke Relay For Life event on Friday, May 16th.  Each bag is only $10 and is a tax deductible donation.  So far, 58 bags have been purchased!!  Help me light up the track at Northside High School and raise money for the American Cancer Society's fight against cancer.  Thank you for considering a donation!

That's What Faith Can Do...

Have you ever had the feeling that you're receiving the same message over and over?  It can be as simple as a tugging at your heart to go out and do something, a phrase or bible verse that keeps popping up in places you wouldn't expect it or turning on the radio and hearing the song?  You know the song that has become a cornerstone in your life and seems to present itself at life's pivotal moments?  Since Brad's cancer journey began in December of 2009, that song has been the Kutless song, That's What Faith Can Do.  If you're not familiar with it, listen to it here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTNBWv33-QI

I remember shortly after Brad's diagnosis, changing the radio station from my normal country music station to our local Christian station and this was the song playing on the radio.  It hit me in the heart so much I had to pull off the road because I couldn't stop sobbing.  For us, this song has certainly become the song and I haven't changed the radio station since. 

Time has come and gone so quickly since my last blog entry in January after sharing the news that Brad will be having a bone marrow transplant due to another relapse.  Each successive return of this horrible disease has become significantly more aggressive and it's really the only option remaining for a potentially cancer free life. 

Since January, Brad has gone through chemo here in Roanoke to put his cancer into remission in order to take the steps necessary to push us forward to transplant.  On Monday, April 7th, we received the news we've been waiting for.  Brad's treatments were successful and he is currently showing no activity so off to transplant we go. 

On Monday we returned to Duke for pre-transplant work-up.  Brad and his brother Chad (who's his donor) spent the day being poked, prodded, x-rayed and talked to about the upcoming procedure.  As a complete side note, Chad has done an amazing job of caring for his and Brad's soon to be marrow.  We like to refer to him as Brad's "marrow daddy".  Although it took us by surprise, the date for the transplant was set and we officially head to Duke on April 27th.  Nine days from today.  Yep.  Nine days from today.  We'll get checked into the hotel and Brad will be in surgery at 7:00am on the 28th to get his Hickman catheter installed and his existing port removed, with his intense radiation beginning the same day.  Durham, NC; our new home for at least 100 days.

When we left Duke on Monday and were heading back home, Brad stopped at a gas station so we could grab a couple drinks and a snack.  When I returned to the car after a very full day, guess what was playing on the radio?  You guessed it!  The song.  I'm not gonna lie, I'm scared to death.  I repeatedly run the statistics and success rates through my head and then I counterbalance it with the statistics presented if Brad doesn't have the transplant.  It's an easy decision and I have faith that the God I serve has a plan for Brad and our family and that this journey is a destination yet to be discovered.  I honestly feel like it would take about a million blog entries to fully explain how I'm feeling about all the thoughts and emotions that incessantly run through my head.  Instead of writing all those blogs though, for now, I'm just going to have faith.  Gotta run...there's a song I'm dying to hear.

Hugs,

Sandy

What is a Bone Marrow Transplant?

You know, the reality is, we spend so much of our time talking about Brad's BMT, that sometimes we forget others haven't been planning for this event like we have for the past 4+ years.  If you haven't followed our blog from the beginning when Brad was diagnosed in 2009, he had extensive cancer throughout his body, similar to what we're seeing now.  Dr. Fintel was pretty confident we would see the cancer in his bone marrow and that we would likely be moving forward with a transplant (which we soon discovered other treatment options would be tried first).  In preparation for a possible transplant, Brad's 3 brothers were tested to see if they were a match.  It turns out that Brad's fraternal twin brother Chad was (is) a match, which wasn't a guarantee since they're not identical twins.  It has been a HUGE blessing for us that we have known for the past several years, that when God's timing was right, we had a donor on the sidelines, unlike so many others who have to agonize whether a match exists for their loved one.

Brad will be having what's called a myeloablative allogeneic transplant.  The "myeloablative" word refers to the hospitalized chemotherapy and/or radiation combination Brad will receive when he first arrives to Duke, completely eliminating his body's ability to make any blood cells.  The "allogeneic" word is the type of transplant, which in this case indicates that Brad has a donor and is not using his own harvested cells in hopes of becoming cancer free.  I keep telling Brad he needs to send Chad a big roll of bubble wrap to protect himself up until transplant!!

For Chad, the donation process, while time intensive for him, is an outpatient procedure.  A couple weeks prior to transplant, Chad will travel to Duke for a day of tests and blood donation.  Two weeks later, he'll return for a one week stay and he'll have daily visits to the transplant center where they'll be harvesting his blood cells in preparation for Brad to receive them.  We need to think of a really phenomenal way to say thank you to Chad and his family!  Really, how many times can somebody say they've saved a life??  Chad, you have NO idea how thankful we are to you and Lisa and this truly wonderful gift you are providing.

For Brad on the other hand, this is where many of his/our life changes begin.  At the point Brad is hospitalized to begin the intense chemo and radiation, he'll be hospitalized in an ICU environment for approximately 30 days.  Because the chemo is so intense and as indicated above, completely wipes out Brad's ability to make its own blood cells, Brad will have zero immune system. The slightest cough, germs, anything of the sort, can be deadly to him, which is why his environment and his visitors will be so restricted.  It's strange to think about, but Brad's immune system will be likened to that of a newborn baby.  Brad will even have to have his childhood vaccinations all over again, once his transplant oncologist indicates it's time to do so.  The actual bone marrow transplant and the placement of cells into Brad is a quite simple process.  Once Chad's cells are placed into Brad's body, they'll get settled into the marrow areas (where the good and bad cells were killed from the chemo) and begin to regenerate themselves.  Is the transplant a guarantee that Brad's cancer will be gone?  No, there's no guarantee, but this is the only hope we have that it could be and we're banking on that to pull us through!

Once Brad is released from in patient care, we'll continue to live at Duke for a couple of months so Brad can have tests and blood drawn daily.  Brad has to be within 5 miles of the hospital for any potential emergency that could arise, which can happen easily since his immune system will be severely weakened. Although the first full year after a transplant is challenging for most, the first 100 days are the most critical for transplant patients and Brad will be monitored closely and tested often.

We know that there are lots of tests and procedures coming before we continue to move forward and we couldn't be more blessed with our cheering section of family and friends lifting us up.  You know, the reality of all of this is that right now, as I sit here today and in this moment, I'm more excited for this process, than afraid.  I'm excited about the opportunity for a new beginning.  I'm excited about the potential for our family to live cancer free.  I'm excited for my husband to start his life "over" and for us to move beyond cancer.  Lately, it seems like everywhere I turn I'm seeing the exact same bible verse (no less than 5 times this past week - it's like it's hitting me in the head!) and I want to share it with you:

Isaiah 41:10
Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

It's amazing how the right words, can make an impact at the right time.  Here's hoping you hear the words you're looking for this week!!

Love,
Sandy

Happy New Fear...

Wow and we're sorry is really all we can say. We've been slackers since our last post in 2012 while we were keeping everybody up to date about Brad's radiation therapy that took place during the week of Thanksgiving 2012.

Unfortunately, the return of our blogging does not bring us with the most enthusiastic of posts, but since we anticipate the need to continue sharing Brad's story, it's important we share the back story. In November, Brad had a CT scan (his PET scan was denied because it wasn't "medically necessary"). The results showed that Brad's cancer was active again, resulting in his Oncologist requesting a PET scan to obtain additional information about the activity. Sadly, it was denied AGAIN. I won't elaborate on my thoughts about Obamacare. After having to submit a special request, Dr. Fintel was able to obtain approval for the PET scan in December.

The information from the scan showed pretty significant activity all throughout Brad's body again, which was such a surprise given that both Dr. Fintel and Brad's Radiation Oncologist were predicting several years without activity. Needless to say, the option immediately presented was a return visit to Duke University to determine if now is the time for his bone marrow transplant (BMT) or stem cell transplant (SCT). That visit took place this past Monday on January 6th.

What we found out was both frightening and a relief all at the same time. Brad's cancer has progressed to a point that the chemo is no longer working the way that it should be. As a result, we were given 2 options:

1. Continue taking chemo, knowing that there would be shorter remission periods that would continue to diminish over time or

2. Have the bone marrow transplant

Particularly after hearing that if Brad continues to have chemo, his life expectancy is 2-5 years based on progression, we clearly are choosing the most aggressive treatment option available and Brad will be having a bone marrow transplant. Although it’s easy to think in your mind, well, doctors don’t really know when somebody’s body can’t fight any longer against this horrible disease, when your loved one is being told 2 years, it’s like a horrible lifeline that you can’t help but think about and cling to as a clock that’s ticking.

Beginning next Monday, January 13th, Brad will once again undergo chemo here in Roanoke as pre-transplant preparation. He will have 2-4 cycles, each cycle taking place every 21 days. Once he has completed his chemo he will have a PET scan to determine whether the cancer has gone into a temporary remission. Once that occurs, a very grueling transplant process will begin and we will "move" to Duke for a minimum of 90 days. During that time, Brad will spend the first 30 days in the transplant center in an ICU environment. Once he is given the opportunity to leave the transplant center, Brad/we will move to approved medical housing "off-site" that is within a 5 mile radius of the hospital, for daily appointments of blood work and other tests to make sure he is staying healthy.

Dr. Rizzieri, Brad's Oncologist, has said it will be a year before Brad is able to return to work on any full time schedule. Brad may be begging at the 6 month mark for some medical clearance for part time status and if he's lucky he may get it, although right now, he's been told no work for one year due to the risk of illness and the general stress imposed in the work environment. The recommendation is that he allows a full year for recovery.

I'm not gonna lie. This upcoming year will be a true test of faith and spirit for us. Although this process is so frightening and comes with some serious risks, we have so many pieces that have already come together that show us this is God's plan and that his presence is here. Brad's corporate offices for East Coast Metal Distributors are located in Durham, so he has a ton of employer support. We were told today when meeting with the President, that Brad needed to take his year or however long it took to recover and that his branch and his position would be waiting for him when he's able to come back to work. Another huge blessing is my recent change in positions with the American Cancer Society, which gives me significant flexibility to work remotely, with access to one of my offices in Raleigh, NC, only about 20 minutes from Duke. This flexibility means we won't also have to worry about my loss of income and will allow me the opportunity to continue working and being fully available and present for Brad while he's in Durham.

We ask that you continue to pray for a healthy spring leading up to Brad’s transplant in March or April (to be determined once he has a clean PET scan). It is really critical we keep Brad illness free since his immune system is so compromised right now. So, if any of our friends making visits have any of the yucky bugs going around, we ask that you give us a call instead of a visit. We love you, but not your germs!! Please also keep Avery in your thoughts and prayers. This is going to be a REALLY tough year for a 15 year old that has such a great relationship with his dad and their contact will be minimal while we are at Duke. Pray that he has strength to allow his concerns, feelings and questions to be met with an honest and open heart and that he and Brad can maximize their time together before Brad heads off.

There’s lots more to share, but this is certainly enough for one post. Thank you for all your love and support.

Love,

Sandy

Happy NEW Year!

Things have been a little crazy since the last post with lots of Dr. appointments happening for Brad and we apologize for not sharing the updates.  On November 19th, Brad received his combination of his Rituxan chemo and Zevalin radiation.  We're hoping that will be his last treatment for a very long time.  The picture to the left is Brad's special radiation "cocktail".  It was mixed the day of receiving his treatment and came in its very own protective case.  What we found out is that due to the outrageous cost, the radiation is not created until there is confirmation that the patient has arrived to the hospital.  What we also found out is that Brad was the very first patient at LewisGale Hospital to receive this particular radiation therapy.  It's typically performed at another local hospital because there are only a few licensed medical practitioners in Roanoke who are able to administer the treatment. This radiation flows throughout Brad's body and attaches itself to his cancer cells to decrease them in size.  Because of Brad being the first at the hospital, he generated lots of interest from the nurses not only in the chemo treatment room, but also in the Nuclear Medicine area of the hospital.  We all had lots of questions! 

We were initially told by Brad's primary oncologist that the cost of this radiation was quite expensive compared to the $18,000 per treatment sessions he has been having all year. According to Dr. Fintel, the cost would come in around $40,000.  That cost was our primary reason for pushing treatment to take place prior to the end of the calendar year since our out-of-pocket maximum had already been hit.  We have a very high ($10,000) threshold on our out-of-pocket each year, so we didn't want to start 2013 by adding that cost to already existing medical bills.  You want to hear the kicker?!!!  Brad and I were reviewing his medical claims for 2012 and guess what the actual cost of his radiation was?  $81,701!!  Holy crap is all I can say...well, actually, I could use another word, but will refrain.  Totaling his 2012 claims for the year, several of which haven't hit yet, we're currently at $293,019.  That is completely insane. 

I know I have gone on before about the cost of health care and won't do so again, but we are so blessed to have a great insurance plan that allows us the luxury of choosing Brad's treatment facilities, physicians, etc...  HOWEVER, to those who cannot pay those premiums and out-of-pocket deductibles, even if it means setting up a billion payment plans, which is what we have done, somehow this has to be recognized as unrealistic for many.  Because it cost an arm and a leg, it only seems appropriate that you see a picture of Brad receiving his injection since it's so different than what most people think of when they hear the word "radiation."  Needless to say, he'd had a rough day and looks a little sleepy, but here's our little "pot of gold"...

Brad is being closely monitored by Dr. Fintel because of the side effects that start approximately 3-6 weeks post radiation.  The treatment actually causes his blood counts to decrease significantly, putting him at a high risk of getting sick easily.  During his last check two weeks ago, that decline had already begun.  He goes back again today to have his blood checked and get the results of last week's PET scan to see how the radiation is working for him.  Because of his decreased immunity and the flu epidemic that is currently in Roanoke, we've been laying pretty low at home for about the last month and doing our best to avoid those who have been ill. 

As mentioned above, we're hoping this treatment will last for several years.  Statistics show that about 72% of patients will relapse 6-18 months post radiation.  We're praying Brad is not part of that 72% and that this is truly a Happy NEW Year for us.

We wish each of you the very best in 2013.  Thank you for the constant love and prayers you send our way!

Love,
Brad, Sandy & Avery

I'll Take ALL The Toothpaste You Have...

A phrase that was recently used at work was that it was time to "put your big girl panties on."  That's how this entire week has felt for me.  It was another anxious week as we waited to meet with Dr. Fintel on Wednesday for the results of Brad's bone marrow biopsy (to ensure he was able to withstand the pending radiation), as well as to obtain the results of his PET scan. 

Of course Brad's appointment fell on Halloween - it seems that big announcements and test results typically fall around some kind of holiday for us - very strange.  The results were exactly what we anticipated, but not what we wanted to hear.  The cancer has not entered Brad's bone marrow, however, it has spread throughout his lymphatic system again.  He has many enlarged lymph nodes throughout his body, nearly all of which Brad had been unable to directly feel himself.

Brad got a call yesterday from his Radiation Oncologist (Dr. Hess).  We have an appointment first thing Monday morning to discuss all the ins and outs, answer questions, talk about safety protocol, etc... of Brad's upcoming treatment. We feel confident Brad will likely have his procedure within the next two weeks, but we'll keep everybody posted.

We have received so much love and support from family, friends, co-workers and our Sunday School class that at times, it has truly taken our breath away.  Yesterday, I received the most incredible Facebook message from an amazing person who crossed my path about 18 years ago (OMG...can't believe it's been that long!).  While I don't normally share these personal messages, every word she wrote rang true. Here it is...thank you Giovanna for such a loving message:

"I still believe in God. He doesn't always listen or give us exactly what we want, does He? What is His plan? It isn't for us to know, but geez, it sure makes us wonder. The love you two have, you three, is stronger than in most families. Sure, you have a marriage, like lots of people have a marriage, but after going through so much of Brad's cancer stuff, you two have a marriage that is olympic gold medal worthy, probably more so. Your love is so strong and your honesty is so real, maybe at the end of this, Brad will be healthy and you'll go around and talk to others about pulling through adversity. I don't know God's plan... but I am praying for you. It's gotta suck... give them a break, Lord... give them health and love and more tubes of toothpaste! A long life, with those big smiles, and lots of years to use lots of toothpaste! Love you Sandy for your patience, willingness to share, and your heart.  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox, giovanna"

Today, I'm choosing to put my big girl panties on and as soon as we leave Brad's appointment on Monday, we're going to sneak out of town for a couple of days.  It's time for a small break so we can return to Roanoke and get ready to once again step into the unknown.  Cheers to more toothpaste!

Much love to all,
Sandy

The Lymph Nodes Are Swelling Again...

Several weeks ago Brad noticed that he had a swollen lymph node in his groin.  Since we're hyper-sensitive to the lumps and bumps, he wanted me to verify he felt something there.  By the following week it had nearly doubled in size.  This quick growth prompted an immediate e-mail to Dr. Fintel (who responds super quick to our random inquiries).  When he didn't respond, Brad called the office to find out he was on a European cruise.  Damn it. 

We were able to see Dr. Fintel last Tuesday and he verified that a lump was indeed identifiable.  While we both knew this, and nothing new was discovered in Dr. Fintel's office, I did have a meltdown knowing in my heart that the treatments Brad has been enduring since February have not been successful. 

When discussing how we move forward, we were given a couple of options:
1.  Continue having the same infusions that Brad has been having throughout the year or
2.  Move into radiation therapy

You're probably asking yourself "why would Brad continue having the same treatment he has been having if it's been unsuccessful?"  Trust me, I asked the EXACT same question.  Dr. Fintel's response was that although Brad's treatment has not discontinued the growth of the lymph nodes, it has isolated them to one area, which would likely not have been the case without the infusions.  I followed that question up with "what is the anticipated outcome if Brad continues the infusions?"  The exact response word for word from Dr. Fintel is that we should "expect the bear to come out of its cave in the next 6-12 months."  When clarifying this, Dr. Fintel indicated he would expect an aggressive change in Brad's health if we did not change our course of action.

We decided on the spot to move into the option of radiation therapy and we left with an appointment to Brad's new Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Hess, who we met last Friday.  Before Brad can have any radiation, he has to undergo another bone marrow biopsy to ensure that there is less than 25% cancer within his bones (we are confident this will be the case).  If Brad were to have radiation and had more than 25% cancer within his bones, it would likely kill him.  Yes please, we'll take the bone marrow biopsy.  His biopsy is scheduled for October 23rd with the anticipation that radiation will take place shortly after all of his preparatory appointments. 

The great news about this treatment is Brad can still have a bone marrow transplant afterward or if decided, he could even have this particular radiation again.  Thankfully, the side effects should be less than when Brad was on chemo.  The biggest danger is that because the radiation is so strong, within a few weeks all of his red and white blood cell counts will bottom out.  This puts him at a high risk for getting sick - perhaps we'll package him in bubble wrap!

Since last week, a second swollen lymph node has been found.  I have to admit, I'm a little anxious for the next PET scan to see what else may be detected (this will be done before radiation).  I'm praying there's nothing more than we know now, but we'll keep you all posted. 

There's lots more to share, including some of the precautions after Brad's radiation takes place, but I'd hate to ruin the surprise.  This means you'll have to read it in another update very soon.  Thanks for the many continued thoughts and prayers.

Hugs,

Sandy

Lapsed Blogger Update...

I have been HORRIBLE at keeping everybody up to date on Brad's progress and am so sorry for that. To say that things have been busy is an understatement, but several folks have asked how he's doing so I wanted to share the latest.

Brad completed his 4 rituxan infusions in March and did really well with the treatment. Compared to his chemo, there were virtually no side effects except for extreme exhaustion the day of and the day after treatment. We did see a slight increase in his energy level, but aren't sure if that was because Brad mentally knew he was on the right course again or was really regaining some strength.

When Brad returned to Dr. Fintel the decision was made to continue treating Brad with the infusions for the next 2 years. We were and continue to be really up and down and all over the board with our emotions about this. While the infusions will only take place every other month, instead of weekly, there's the down side that while he is in active treatment we cannot say he's in remission. I know there are so many patients and caregivers out there that would give and do anything to be in the position we are in right now where we do have treatment options. However I have to say, this process and this relapse has been much more challenging than I ever thought it would be.

The decision was made this past Friday to reinstall Brad's port into his chest since we know he will continue treatment for at least the next two years. We should find out this week when that surgery will take place. I'm not sure if it will happen prior to his next treatment on May 3rd. What I do know, is that it's going to knock Brad out of commission for about a week if the process goes anything like it did the first time around.

This has been a really tough week on so many levels. Without going into the details, please pray for strength, an ongoing commitment to healing and having the desire to fight the good fight.

Thankful for so much,
Sandy

Treatment Plan...Round 2

This past Tuesday we returned to Dr. Fintel to discuss the results of Brad's testing at Duke. The great news is that no secondary cancer has been identified and his blood tests were normal. Brad was given several options for his treatment plan which included the following:

1. Watch and wait (just like it sounds - do nothing to see how the cancer continues to develop)
2. Rituxan infusions (Rituxan is an antibody that attaches itself to the B-Cell in one's body...the cell that is the "weakest link" for Brad).
3. Bexxar, which is a Rituxan-radiation blend.

After hearing the pros and cons for each course of treatment, Brad chose the Rituxan infusions. Unlike the Bexxar treatment, the side effects of the infusions are significantly less, Brad doesn't need to have his port reinstalled AND he won't lose his Richard Simmons like, full head of hair.

The infusions, which will begin on Valentine's Day, will be done intravenously and according to Dr. Fintel, can last anywhere between 8-12 hours each. Brad will have four infusions, one each week for the next 4 weeks. It's our hope that the side effects will be minimal and that Brad's energy will soon return.

While we realize this treatment is more like a temporary band-aid, it's our hope that the infusions will help put Brad's cancer back to sleep for at least the same 1-1/2 years that his chemotherapy lasted. We're a little unsure whether the infusions can officially put him back into remission, because the goal of Rituxan is to slow the growth of the cancer cells and this course of treatment is often used as a maintenance option once a patient goes into remission. Keep your fingers crossed and prayers coming that we have success with this new plan.

Thank you for the kind thoughts and cards that have been coming our way. It's so comforting to know we have lots of cheerleaders and we are confident Brad is going to beat this.

Hugs,

Brad, Sandy & Avery

Good News & No News...

Today was our much anticipated re-visit to Duke University's Adult Blood and Marrow Transplant Center to gain additional insight into what we thought was going to be Brad's next step to recovery...a bone marrow transplant. Well, that's not what we walked away with.

After spending some time with Dr. Rizzieri and sharing his list of recurring symptoms, Brad was told that the symptoms he's experiencing, do not match the type of cancer he has been diagnosed with. Follicular Lymphoma affects the "B Cells" in one's body however, the symptoms Brad is experiencing are more commonly found in "T Cell" type lymphoma. This has Dr. Rizzieri somewhat stumped and raised some concern that something else could be going on. As a result, he ordered about 12 different blood tests for Brad to test his liver, kidneys, thyroid, allergies and several other things that could be impacting the way Brad is currently feeling. Those results will be back at the end of the week. If everything comes back normal, Dr. Rizzieri suggested that another lymph node be removed and biopsied, because it's possible that his body is developing a secondary cancer. I asked whether it's possible that a B Cell Lymphoma develop into a T Cell Lymphoma and he indicated that could not happen. So that's where the "no news" part of the blog comes in.

The good (in my mind GREAT) news is that Brad will not move forward with the transplant right now. Although his cancer has returned much sooner than anticipated, what we found out today is that the transplant is the last ditch effort to a cure AFTER all other treatment options have been exhausted. We were quite frustrated with this (not only because Duke is a 3 hour drive each way!) but because we have been told Brad is a great candidate due to his health, age, donor match, etc... and was even told again today that he will indeed need the transplant at some point in his future.

Why wait? That was EXACTLY what we were wondering and so frustrated about. If you know that a transplant is coming, can't/shouldn't we do it now? What we didn't know is that the type of transplant Brad would have has about a 20% mortality rate. However, chemotherapy, regardless of the type one is having, has a much lower mortality rate. If chemo keeps a patient in remission for a couple of years at a time, the quality of life is still much higher than that of most transplant patients. Once a transplant takes place and should another relapse occur, there are really no remaining treatment options. So yes, this is the "good news" and it also means we don't need to get rid of our puppy dogs, so Avery is quite thrilled at the moment!

We will return to Dr. Fintel here in Roanoke on February 7th and will hopefully be able to discuss the blood test results and whether we should move forward on chemo, radiation or both to treat the existing cancer.

Bless Brad's little heart...I know he wants answers, we all do. We will get them, but it's just not going to be today. We'll keep everybody posted on our next visit to the Dr. From the bottom of our hearts, thanks for all the prayers and positive thoughts you're sending our way.

Love,
Brad, Sandy & Avery

God Gave Me You...

Dear Brad -

Even though I'm in Atlanta, I want to wish you (us) a HAPPY ANNIVERSARY! I can't believe that 10 years ago today, I had the most amazing opportunity to not only marry my very best friend, but the most incredible loving father. I feel so blessed to have you right next to me each step of our crazy journey together. I'll need your music skills to get it up on the blog, but the Blake Shelton (or Dave Barnes) song, "God Gave Me You" describes exactly how I feel. I love you with my entire heart and soul - thank you for being such an amazing husband.

I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you

On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I could baby, never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I've lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you
Gave me you.

Take Courage. Do not be afraid.

If you have followed our blog from the beginning, you may remember an entry from December 2009, where I mentioned Avery had received a Max Lucado "Fearless" flip calendar as a Christmas gift. The calendar has daily biblical verses and inspirational thoughts to help one be strong during times of uncertainty. Well, since Avery didn't pay too much attention to the calendar, it has lovingly found a home on my desk at work. Yesterday's reading was simply this from Matthew 14:27: Take courage. Do not be afraid.

Wow...what a "hit me in the gut" moment as it was the perfect match for what I was feeling. I read that verse as I was preparing for my usual Monday morning staff meeting and mentally preparing to go to Brad's oncology appointment to discuss his upcoming treatment plan that will take place due to his relapse.

During the past 10 days, Brad and I had truly spent some quality time discussing the options we thought would be presented to us. More chemo, maybe radiation, maybe both, maybe a bone marrow transplant...you know, the typical husband/wife coffee talk.

What we found out yesterday is that Brad's cancer is much more aggressive than we originally thought. He has some pretty significant "activity" below his waist (get your mind out of the gutter) as well as in his neck on the right side. When Brad was diagnosed 2 years ago, a large lymph node was removed from his neck, but on the left side. Because we are fortunate enough to have been down to Duke 2 years ago for a discussion of a bone marrow transplant and found out that Brad's brother Chad is nearly a 100% match, Brad's Oncologist has suggested that we move forward on the transplant process.

This is a very scary time for us. We now wait to hear when Brad's appointment at Duke will take place, likely by the end of February. Due to ensuring that Brad's body is ready to accept Chad's bone marrow, a series of preparation procedures will be done, including pre-transplant chemo to put his cancer back into remission. He will have his heart, lungs, liver, kidneys and many other tests performed as well as again going through a psychological evaluation to see if Brad has the support system in place to manage the transplant.

Because the transplant process is one which will require some significant time for Brad to recover, as well as the need for him to have easy access to the transplant center at Duke, Brad will need to "move" to Durham while he recovers. For most patients, this is typically about 100 days, although full recovery time for a transplant patient is about a year.

We know that a long, emotional road lies ahead for us. I ask that you pray specifically for Brad, Avery, Brad's parents and brothers and me to have the strength and courage to travel the road in a way that will ultimately be the healthiest for Brad. Several of you have already asked "what can I do to help?". To be honest, we don't know at this point in time. What we DO know, is that we have the most amazing support system in place, including our family, friends, a loving church and Sunday School class, as well as a loving God who knows what lies ahead and will lead and guide us. Yes, we are doing our best to take courage and not be afraid.

A Relapse...

Yesterday, Brad went for his 6 month PET scan and we were able to get the results yesterday afternoon. Sadly, the news was not what we wanted to hear and we have been told that Brad's cancer is "active" again. We were really hoping to get past July 16, 2012. Why do you ask?

If you haven't followed our story from the beginning and are just catching up, when Brad was diagnosed with his cancer in December 2009 and started getting information from his Oncologist at the beginning of 2010, one key piece of information that stuck with us, is that if Brad could make it past 2 years without a relapse, it would significantly decrease his chance of needing a bone marrow transplant. Because his cancer has again become active prior to the 2 years, we're not quite sure what this means regarding his treatment options.

We will meet with Brad's Oncologist (Dr. Fintel) on Monday, January 23rd. Please keep him and all of us in your thoughts as we explore the options that may be available and make the best decision possible. We're nervous, anxious and emotions once again run high for all of us. Thank you for your prayers and positive energy - we'll keep you posted on what happens next.

Much love,
Brad, Sandy & Avery

Long Overdue Update...

I can't believe we haven't provided any updates since July! So sorry for our laziness...

Things in our lives have been amazing and we continue to be surprised at all the blessings that come our way on a daily basis. Since the update about Brad being in remission as of July 16th, many wonderful things have happened.

The best news of all is that Brad continues to become stronger everyday! Although cancer continues to be part of our daily conversations, we don't talk about or make predictions on when his first relapse will occur. His hair has fully returned and is almost black now. He also just seems to have a heck of a lot more of it! We are certainly looking forward to this Christmas being so different and much happier than last year's.

In August, Avery went to spend nearly a week at Camp Kesem, which was sponsored by the University of Richmond at Westview on the James camp and retreat center. Although he was nervous to spend the time away from home, we were looking forward to his opportunity to interact with other kids his age who can directly relate to his feelings about dealing with a parent who has cancer. As did the camp staff, all campers had to choose nicknames and Avery affectionately became known as "Mashed Potatoes", but shortened it to "Taters" throughout the week. It was clear when Brad and I picked him up the day of the family picnic, that Taters was extremely popular at camp and found significant value in his experience. Avery's favorite activity during the week was the zipline and surprising to us all - he LOVED singing the camp songs and performing in the talent show. He led the kids and camp staff in a dance he created called the "Mashed Potato Shuffle" and his group became known as the "Mashed Taters and Gravy Crew." He is still talking about his experience and wants to return next year.

After some significant conversations with Brad and deep soul searching, I made the decision in July to resign my position with the YMCA at Virginia Tech at the end of August. I didn't have another position lined up and was unsure of what the future held, but truly just wanted to be closer to home after all that we have endured since last December.

After applying to a variety of positions and doing some temp work, what I considered to be the most wonderful opportunity presented itself in August. I applied, had many interviews and was offered a position as the Office Manager for the American Cancer Society's South Atlantic Regional Office here in Roanoke. Much of what I do is administratively based here in Roanoke, yet also provides support and direction to the other 5 offices within the region. I still have the wonderful opportunity to interact and serve alongside volunteers, provide mission based experiences to my own staff (i.e. retreat, professional development opportunities, etc...) and more importantly, work with an incredibly talented team of professionals who are clearly dedicated to serving others in the fight against cancer. Although I just started this week and have a ton to learn, I am thrilled to have found the opportunity to work for another action and impact oriented organization committed to making a difference in the lives of others.

I continue seeing blessings and miracles at work in our lives daily and am so thankful for being led down the right path. Many continued thanks to our friends and family who still reach out and support us in more ways than we could ever mention. We love you all.

Hugs,
Sandy

REMISSION!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was a HUGE day for us when we found out that chemo has been a success for Brad and he was officially declared to be in remission. He had his PET scans earlier this week so it has been a week full of emotion thinking through everything...over and over and over again. Brad is excited to have his chest port removed on Friday, July 23rd. I honestly think he's just looking forward to being waited on hand and foot again.

I am trying to avoid thinking about how long it will be before his relapse (we have been prepared that this will happen - just a matter of when) will occur. I have to be honest - it's tough. Really tough. It makes "remission" bitter sweet, but time to put the past 7 months behind us and put our energy back into our jobs and getting life back in order.

I am so proud of Brad - his strength, his commitment, his humor. He is honestly the man that I was meant to spend my life with and my life continues to be blessed by God. Although I have always been spiritual, in the "non-spiritual" sense of the word (you know, be a good person, be kind to others, etc...), this experience has truly been life changing for me...for us, really.

Much love and many thanks for all the support,
Sandy

Round 6...Ring the Bell!

Sorry we have been absent for so long! I have received messages from some of you wanting to know how Brad's last chemo session went and we are so sorry that we haven't taken time to blog about it.

Brad's last session was scheduled for Tuesday, June 8th and the session came and went as they normally do. This session was much more emotional than we expected not only for us, but for the Oncology staff as they wished Brad good luck in his recovery. There were tears shed by everybody (except Brad of course!) as he rang the bell at the end of the day, signifying that he was finished with this phase of treatment. Here are a couple of pics...

The picture above is Brad with the wonderful Oncology nurses that have truly been a wonderful support for our family during this journey. From left to right, we have: Linda, Susan, Brad, Roseanne and Teresa. Each of them have been INCREDIBLE!

Brad ringing the bell!!

The Sunday before chemo, Brad started feeling a little sick and on Monday he developed a fever that we were quite worried about. Thankfully, Blue Ridge Cancer Care called in an antibiotic, we were able to get his fever to come down by Tuesday and he was able to have his last chemo session as scheduled. Unfortunately, the combination of chemo and the illness that had set in prior to chemo, were not such a good mix. As Brad struggled through the week, although trying to maneuver bursts of energy from his excitement of his last session, his body became weaker and weaker despite the fact he had continued to take his antibiotic and some sinus/allergy medicine, along with his normal regimen of prescription drugs.

The morning of Monday, June 14th, Brad woke up with a rising temperature that went up to 100.8. For most folks, this wouldn't be a big deal, but we were told early on that if Brad ever had a fever that got to 101 degrees, he needed to immediately go to the emergency room because it could signify an infection that could easily get into his blood. Because of the worry, we went to the ER about 4:00am. Thankfully, it's pretty quiet that time of day and Brad got right in. Within 2 hours, because of Brad's low white blood cell count (which is expected after chemo), his obvious illness and him throwing up in the ER, he was immediately admitted for the next two and a half days.

Although I was somewhat relieved that he was at the hospital getting the care that he needed, Brad had a significant drop in his white blood cell count on Tuesday, nearly dropping his immune system to non-existent. He was raised in status as a "high risk patient" and was limited in the number of visitors. In the event that Brad left his hospital room, he had to wear a mask to limit his exposure to germs. Additionally, Brad couldn't have any plants or flowers in his room (or at home) and could not eat fresh fruits or vegetables due to the risk of exposure to toxins that could be harmful to him. Having a visit from an Infectious Disease Doc, was a new twist for us. Thankfully, Brad did not have a bacterial infection, rather just something viral that he needed plenty of time to recover.

On Wednesday, Brad's Dr. said that although his numbers were still low, he was going to release him from the hospital, but that he needed to be quarantined from groups of people through the remainder of the week and still avoid the fresh fruits and veggies. Although I was nervous about Brad coming home, he did better than I expected following Dr. Fintel's orders and checked work email from home, while getting lots of rest, etc...

Early this spring, Brad's parents gifted a week at one of their timeshares to us for a family vacation. We intentionally planned it a few weeks after Brad's last session, to give us something to look forward to. This Saturday, we will leave to go to St. Augustine, FL for a week and cannot wait. We have been more anxious than ever to get away and really spend some time as a family reconnecting and not thinking about cancer as one of our daily primary thoughts. Another wonderful surprise to our trip is that our really good friends Chad and Cathy were able to get us passes at Sea World! Brad, Avery and I are so excited, that I'm not kidding when I say most of our bags are already packed!

We have several more big days ahead of us. On July 13th, Brad will go back to the hospital for his PET scan so we can figure out whether the chemo worked (Brad says he can "feel that it did"). On July 16th, we meet with Dr. Fintel to get the results of the PET scan and hopefully schedule Brad's surgery to have his port removed from his chest.

Although we recognize that this will be a life long journey for us, we have faith that will help pull us through and the confidence in an incredible medical team. Without the support of family, friends, our new church and employers, I cannot imagine where our lives would be right now. Thanks to each of you who have kept us in your thoughts, prayers, cooked/brought us meals, and so much more. We love all of you tremendously.

We will definitely keep the blog going and will update especially when Brad gets a good report on July 16th! Thanks again to each and every one of you!

Love to you all,
Sandy

Healing Begins...

Lyrics from the song "Healing Begins" by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North have completely hit me in the spot during the past couple of weeks and I felt the need to share them. The song is part of the music that plays in our blog - it has a catchy little tune! As we get closer to Brad's final round of chemo scheduled for Tuesday, June 8th - it's hard to know what the future holds for us. So many wonderful, yet scary things ahead...

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Round 5...

The past several weeks have been beyond crazy for me from the work perspective, requiring lots of time away from home and longer work days. In addition to winding up a semester of planning and implementation for the YMCA's week long, Ytoss? campus recycling program, I am now on the last day of hosting the 2010 Coalition of Campus YMCA's national conference, an event that began a week ago, but has been being planned for the past year. While it has been an incredible conference, I am thankful that conference duties will end later this afternoon.

Our conference officially began on Tuesday, May 18th, although the planning team arrived on Sunday, May 16th when we checked into the hotel where we are staying for the conference to start getting things ready. Brad's 5th round of chemo took place on May 18th - yep, conference start date. In my heart of hearts, I knew I needed to be with him at the hospital on Tuesday and I was, however, I continuously wondered what was happening at the conference, what things I would be troubleshooting if I was on site and how the students were doing managing the conference check-in, etc... As usual, they were AMAZING! I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see impact in action on a daily basis - the team was phenomenal and handled conference challenges with dignity and grace.

If you read the last post after Brad's 4th chemo session, you know he did quite well. Unfortunately, this round has been his most difficult to date. He has experienced more than usual tiredness (sleeping 17-20 hours a day), lack of energy, etc... and I wasn't at home to take care of him. On Monday night when I arrived at home to spend the night for chemo on Tuesday, Avery pulled me aside to let me know that he was really afraid he wouldn't be able to take care of his Dad while I was not at home during the week. It completely broke my heart and of course caused an extreme flood of tears. We hugged a lot and I told Avery he had been doing a great job taking care of his Dad the two days I had already been gone, but he insisted it was because chemo hadn't happened yet. Avery continues to be the most thoughtful, sensitive and understanding child ever. We are so very, very fortunate that he is so helpful - I look forward to the time when chemo isn't constantly on our mind or on our calendars.

Knowing that this week was so tough for Brad, it has been full of emotion for me. I have randomly broken out into tears more times than I could count during the week and have been heartsick not being around to care for him. Yes indeed, this has been the most difficult session for both of us. Thankfully, with the conference being only 45 minutes from home, I have been able to visit and check in with him briefly during shuttle runs to the airport on two occasions. Despite their brevity, it was wonderful to be home. Thank you Mom and Dad for all the help you have provided this week, the meals you have brought to Brad and continuously checking in with him. Your availability is what has given me the ability to slightly relax during the week as much as possible.

For those of you who know me well, I am not so good at asking for help. Right now, I am asking for your help through prayers of strength. I have several personal and professional challenges before me that I will need much strength to overcome. I'm confident I will not be given more than I can handle, but the question certainly becomes one of how do I handle it best?

I have been filled with sadness and fear over the recent decision that Jen, one of my YMCA co-workers who has become my friend during the past four years, will no longer be working for the YMCA as of the end of this month. Unfortunately, the economy impacts non-profit organizations (maybe even harder ) than any other "business" and her full time position has been eliminated. She is an amazing woman filled with many, many skills and talents and I feel confident that she will find another rewarding position. Unfortunately, her loss will impact my office, our student volunteers and me quite deeply. I am so fearful of my ability to continue meeting the expectations of others, while also meeting my own during this adjustment.

Through all the challenges, Brad and I continue to have the support of so many friends and family and recognize that we are blessed in so many ways. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Sandy

Round 4...

Wow...I really can't believe it has been so long since we've written to all our friends and family - things have been so busy and a great deal has happened in the past 3 weeks. This past Tuesday (April 27th), Brad had his 4th round of chemo. Other than his exhaustion and nausea, we never know what to expect as far as his side effects go. Sometimes some food/drink items taste badly, other times they are fine. Sometimes he gets mouth sores and hiccups, sometimes he doesn't. It's very strange.

This round has seemed to be relatively calm and it's great to see Brad doing so well in the grand scheme of things. My emotions have mostly been in check the past few weeks, but the bigger issue this round is that I started feeling crummy on Wednesday. By Thursday, I felt like I had been run over by a semi and literally spent the majority of the day in bed. On Friday I went to the doctor out of fear that I would make Brad sick while his immune system is so compromised and then promptly returned to bed for the rest of the day. I was tested for mono and strep and thankfully both tests came back negative. I was told that I have what the Dr. is officially referring to as the "crud" (which doesn't sound so official to me). She said it has the symptoms of both mono and strep, without having either and that I should expect to feel kinda crummy off and on for the next 4-6 weeks. I'm hoping this is some kind of misdiagnosis. While I have more energy than I have the past few days today, I'm definitely not 100% and the best part now is that Avery has it. Ugh...we're taking extra precautions around Brad and getting as much rest as we can while it's the weekend.

So I mentioned that the past few weeks have been busy. Although much of it has been work related, on April 9th, I received a phone call from one of my dearest friends from the past. Sheri and I go back to when I was about 12 years old and she was my Youth for Christ Big Sister where I grew up in Michigan. Sheri now lives in Tennessee and we reconnected through Facebook (CRAZY!). She had been following our blog and asked if she and Betsy, her oldest daughter could come for a visit. I hadn't seen Betsy or Sheri in about 15 years! We had the most amazing weekend together, definitely what I have been referring to as "soul food." This was Sheri's first time meeting Brad and Avery and her first time participating in Relay for Life. I have to admit, I was nervous to see them, but as soon as the nerves wore off, it was like no time had passed at all. Avery has decided that he has a little crush on Betsy, despite the fact that she has a serious boyfriend. Strangely enough, the picture with the three of us together, didn't turn out so well - but here's Sheri and Betsy:

Relay for Life was such an emotional event for me this year. Brad's Mom and Dad came and this was their first Relay also. Avery, Brad's Mom and Dad, Brad and I all participated in the survivor lap to kick off the event. I think I cried the entire time. Avery was so proud of all of his laps and even wrote on a board about why he relays - here's a pic of what he wrote:


You probably can't read it so well, but Avery wrote "My Dad has lufuma" (and signed his name). He then went back to the sign and wrote underneath it: "Gone green for Brad" and signed the board again. I loved his spelling of lymphoma. Avery was quite emotional this year also - it's amazing how much he "gets" it as an 11, almost 12 year old. Trying to put a smile on my face during the event, he went and purchased a beautiful necklace from one of the fundraising tables at Relay for me. It was so thoughtful. He was adorable - he came back to the YMCA tent and said that he bought something for me while sharing that he spent one third of the money that he brought to spend throughout the night. Yep, it was the kindest, most heartfelt $5.00 anybody has ever spent on me. I have worn it several times and Avery notices it each time I do.

We have much to be thankful for and only two more sessions to go. We pray for a long remission so that we can put the thought of Brad's bone marrow transplant on the back burner for a while. We are continuously finding ways to feel more connected at our church which feels really amazing.

We have several friends who have been recently diagnosed with cancer and/or are facing medical and personal challenges.
Jilli - know that you are always in our thoughts, in our hearts and minds and in our prayers. I know returning to your chemotherapy regimen this week will be exhausting, but I have faith in you!
Mike - we are praying for you and your family with the hopes that the insurance challenges are somehow answered and that the tumors were discovered in time to prevent amputation.
Jeanne - girl, you need to stay out of the hospital and get yourself well so that we can see each other soon! I love you.
Sheri - I know that we have been reconnected for a reason and a purpose. I have faith that the challenges that have been laid at your feet will be met with grace and dignity.

We are keeping each of you close in our thoughts on a daily basis and will ask for extra strength during such challenging times.

Much love to all of you,
Sandy

Round 3...

It's hard to believe that Round 3 took place yesterday, officially marking the half way point in Brad's fight. It is my deepest hope that when June arrives and Brad completes his 6th and final cycle he will be in remission.

Avery is on Spring Break this week so he came to Brad's session again yesterday. Little did we know that Avery snuck his little friends Dinkles (the blue bunny) and Streaks (the leopard) into his bag so that his Dad would have something to cuddle with during chemo. Brad was absolutely thrilled and pretended to LOVE the animals, as you can see in the picture. We have NO idea where Avery gets the names for his stuffed animals, but there they are in all their glory!

We returned to the hospital again today for Brad's $7,985 Neulasta shot - that's the one that helps raise his white blood cell count. Just being out for a short period of time wiped him out all afternoon.

Yesterday and today have been horribly emotional days for me. Once I start crying, I simply can't seem to stop. Brad is so physically and mentally worn down, which of course he doesn't want others to believe. It makes me so "down to the bones" sad. Today was the first day since Brad started chemo that when I looked at him he actually looked beyond exhausted. He has tried to stay awake much of the day so that he can sleep through the night and only use his sleeping pills when necessary. I sometimes feel like I want to lock myself inside the house and pretend none of this is happening. A bigger fear is that I don't want to leave Brad's side while he recovers from his sessions. The feelings of being a horrible employee, housekeeper, friend, etc... are all deeply embedded right now and I don't quite know how to make them go away or feel like I am effective at any of my roles right now.

Brad found out about this really cool kids camp called Camp Kesem from someone on facebook. "Kesem" is the Hebrew word for "magic" and the camp is offered at several colleges and universities around the United States. After doing a little research, we found out that the University of Virginia and University of Richmond are two schools who offer this camp here in Virginia. The camp is a free, one week sleep away camp for kids who have a parent who is currently facing or is a survivor of cancer. When we talked to Avery about it he was SO excited about maybe going. We have done the initial paperwork for Avery to attend camp in Richmond, so please pray that he is accepted. As an only child, it would be so amazing for him to connect with other children who are dealing with some of the same emotions. It would also be a wonderfully therapeutic outlet for him and allow him some time to be a kid.

This Friday night is Relay for Life at Virginia Tech. Although I anticipate this year's event to be a highly emotional one for me, I look forward to walking in honor of Brad and having Avery right next to me each step of the way. I'm hoping Brad can gather enough energy for a quick appearance, but if not, we will relay with him in our hearts and as always, on our minds.

Hugs,
Sandy