Lyrics from the song "Healing Begins" by a Christian group called Tenth Avenue North have completely hit me in the spot during the past couple of weeks and I felt the need to share them. The song is part of the music that plays in our blog - it has a catchy little tune! As we get closer to Brad's final round of chemo scheduled for Tuesday, June 8th - it's hard to know what the future holds for us. So many wonderful, yet scary things ahead...
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Round 5...
The past several weeks have been beyond crazy for me from the work perspective, requiring lots of time away from home and longer work days. In addition to winding up a semester of planning and implementation for the YMCA's week long, Ytoss? campus recycling program, I am now on the last day of hosting the 2010 Coalition of Campus YMCA's national conference, an event that began a week ago, but has been being planned for the past year. While it has been an incredible conference, I am thankful that conference duties will end later this afternoon.
Our conference officially began on Tuesday, May 18th, although the planning team arrived on Sunday, May 16th when we checked into the hotel where we are staying for the conference to start getting things ready. Brad's 5th round of chemo took place on May 18th - yep, conference start date. In my heart of hearts, I knew I needed to be with him at the hospital on Tuesday and I was, however, I continuously wondered what was happening at the conference, what things I would be troubleshooting if I was on site and how the students were doing managing the conference check-in, etc... As usual, they were AMAZING! I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see impact in action on a daily basis - the team was phenomenal and handled conference challenges with dignity and grace.
If you read the last post after Brad's 4th chemo session, you know he did quite well. Unfortunately, this round has been his most difficult to date. He has experienced more than usual tiredness (sleeping 17-20 hours a day), lack of energy, etc... and I wasn't at home to take care of him. On Monday night when I arrived at home to spend the night for chemo on Tuesday, Avery pulled me aside to let me know that he was really afraid he wouldn't be able to take care of his Dad while I was not at home during the week. It completely broke my heart and of course caused an extreme flood of tears. We hugged a lot and I told Avery he had been doing a great job taking care of his Dad the two days I had already been gone, but he insisted it was because chemo hadn't happened yet. Avery continues to be the most thoughtful, sensitive and understanding child ever. We are so very, very fortunate that he is so helpful - I look forward to the time when chemo isn't constantly on our mind or on our calendars.
Knowing that this week was so tough for Brad, it has been full of emotion for me. I have randomly broken out into tears more times than I could count during the week and have been heartsick not being around to care for him. Yes indeed, this has been the most difficult session for both of us. Thankfully, with the conference being only 45 minutes from home, I have been able to visit and check in with him briefly during shuttle runs to the airport on two occasions. Despite their brevity, it was wonderful to be home. Thank you Mom and Dad for all the help you have provided this week, the meals you have brought to Brad and continuously checking in with him. Your availability is what has given me the ability to slightly relax during the week as much as possible.
For those of you who know me well, I am not so good at asking for help. Right now, I am asking for your help through prayers of strength. I have several personal and professional challenges before me that I will need much strength to overcome. I'm confident I will not be given more than I can handle, but the question certainly becomes one of how do I handle it best?
I have been filled with sadness and fear over the recent decision that Jen, one of my YMCA co-workers who has become my friend during the past four years, will no longer be working for the YMCA as of the end of this month. Unfortunately, the economy impacts non-profit organizations (maybe even harder ) than any other "business" and her full time position has been eliminated. She is an amazing woman filled with many, many skills and talents and I feel confident that she will find another rewarding position. Unfortunately, her loss will impact my office, our student volunteers and me quite deeply. I am so fearful of my ability to continue meeting the expectations of others, while also meeting my own during this adjustment.
Through all the challenges, Brad and I continue to have the support of so many friends and family and recognize that we are blessed in so many ways. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Sandy
Our conference officially began on Tuesday, May 18th, although the planning team arrived on Sunday, May 16th when we checked into the hotel where we are staying for the conference to start getting things ready. Brad's 5th round of chemo took place on May 18th - yep, conference start date. In my heart of hearts, I knew I needed to be with him at the hospital on Tuesday and I was, however, I continuously wondered what was happening at the conference, what things I would be troubleshooting if I was on site and how the students were doing managing the conference check-in, etc... As usual, they were AMAZING! I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to see impact in action on a daily basis - the team was phenomenal and handled conference challenges with dignity and grace.
If you read the last post after Brad's 4th chemo session, you know he did quite well. Unfortunately, this round has been his most difficult to date. He has experienced more than usual tiredness (sleeping 17-20 hours a day), lack of energy, etc... and I wasn't at home to take care of him. On Monday night when I arrived at home to spend the night for chemo on Tuesday, Avery pulled me aside to let me know that he was really afraid he wouldn't be able to take care of his Dad while I was not at home during the week. It completely broke my heart and of course caused an extreme flood of tears. We hugged a lot and I told Avery he had been doing a great job taking care of his Dad the two days I had already been gone, but he insisted it was because chemo hadn't happened yet. Avery continues to be the most thoughtful, sensitive and understanding child ever. We are so very, very fortunate that he is so helpful - I look forward to the time when chemo isn't constantly on our mind or on our calendars.
Knowing that this week was so tough for Brad, it has been full of emotion for me. I have randomly broken out into tears more times than I could count during the week and have been heartsick not being around to care for him. Yes indeed, this has been the most difficult session for both of us. Thankfully, with the conference being only 45 minutes from home, I have been able to visit and check in with him briefly during shuttle runs to the airport on two occasions. Despite their brevity, it was wonderful to be home. Thank you Mom and Dad for all the help you have provided this week, the meals you have brought to Brad and continuously checking in with him. Your availability is what has given me the ability to slightly relax during the week as much as possible.
For those of you who know me well, I am not so good at asking for help. Right now, I am asking for your help through prayers of strength. I have several personal and professional challenges before me that I will need much strength to overcome. I'm confident I will not be given more than I can handle, but the question certainly becomes one of how do I handle it best?
I have been filled with sadness and fear over the recent decision that Jen, one of my YMCA co-workers who has become my friend during the past four years, will no longer be working for the YMCA as of the end of this month. Unfortunately, the economy impacts non-profit organizations (maybe even harder ) than any other "business" and her full time position has been eliminated. She is an amazing woman filled with many, many skills and talents and I feel confident that she will find another rewarding position. Unfortunately, her loss will impact my office, our student volunteers and me quite deeply. I am so fearful of my ability to continue meeting the expectations of others, while also meeting my own during this adjustment.
Through all the challenges, Brad and I continue to have the support of so many friends and family and recognize that we are blessed in so many ways. Thank you for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Sandy
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Round 4...
Wow...I really can't believe it has been so long since we've written to all our friends and family - things have been so busy and a great deal has happened in the past 3 weeks. This past Tuesday (April 27th), Brad had his 4th round of chemo. Other than his exhaustion and nausea, we never know what to expect as far as his side effects go. Sometimes some food/drink items taste badly, other times they are fine. Sometimes he gets mouth sores and hiccups, sometimes he doesn't. It's very strange.
This round has seemed to be relatively calm and it's great to see Brad doing so well in the grand scheme of things. My emotions have mostly been in check the past few weeks, but the bigger issue this round is that I started feeling crummy on Wednesday. By Thursday, I felt like I had been run over by a semi and literally spent the majority of the day in bed. On Friday I went to the doctor out of fear that I would make Brad sick while his immune system is so compromised and then promptly returned to bed for the rest of the day. I was tested for mono and strep and thankfully both tests came back negative. I was told that I have what the Dr. is officially referring to as the "crud" (which doesn't sound so official to me). She said it has the symptoms of both mono and strep, without having either and that I should expect to feel kinda crummy off and on for the next 4-6 weeks. I'm hoping this is some kind of misdiagnosis. While I have more energy than I have the past few days today, I'm definitely not 100% and the best part now is that Avery has it. Ugh...we're taking extra precautions around Brad and getting as much rest as we can while it's the weekend.
So I mentioned that the past few weeks have been busy. Although much of it has been work related, on April 9th, I received a phone call from one of my dearest friends from the past. Sheri and I go back to when I was about 12 years old and she was my Youth for Christ Big Sister where I grew up in Michigan. Sheri now lives in Tennessee and we reconnected through Facebook (CRAZY!). She had been following our blog and asked if she and Betsy, her oldest daughter could come for a visit. I hadn't seen Betsy or Sheri in about 15 years! We had the most amazing weekend together, definitely what I have been referring to as "soul food." This was Sheri's first time meeting Brad and Avery and her first time participating in Relay for Life. I have to admit, I was nervous to see them, but as soon as the nerves wore off, it was like no time had passed at all. Avery has decided that he has a little crush on Betsy, despite the fact that she has a serious boyfriend. Strangely enough, the picture with the three of us together, didn't turn out so well - but here's Sheri and Betsy:
This round has seemed to be relatively calm and it's great to see Brad doing so well in the grand scheme of things. My emotions have mostly been in check the past few weeks, but the bigger issue this round is that I started feeling crummy on Wednesday. By Thursday, I felt like I had been run over by a semi and literally spent the majority of the day in bed. On Friday I went to the doctor out of fear that I would make Brad sick while his immune system is so compromised and then promptly returned to bed for the rest of the day. I was tested for mono and strep and thankfully both tests came back negative. I was told that I have what the Dr. is officially referring to as the "crud" (which doesn't sound so official to me). She said it has the symptoms of both mono and strep, without having either and that I should expect to feel kinda crummy off and on for the next 4-6 weeks. I'm hoping this is some kind of misdiagnosis. While I have more energy than I have the past few days today, I'm definitely not 100% and the best part now is that Avery has it. Ugh...we're taking extra precautions around Brad and getting as much rest as we can while it's the weekend.
So I mentioned that the past few weeks have been busy. Although much of it has been work related, on April 9th, I received a phone call from one of my dearest friends from the past. Sheri and I go back to when I was about 12 years old and she was my Youth for Christ Big Sister where I grew up in Michigan. Sheri now lives in Tennessee and we reconnected through Facebook (CRAZY!). She had been following our blog and asked if she and Betsy, her oldest daughter could come for a visit. I hadn't seen Betsy or Sheri in about 15 years! We had the most amazing weekend together, definitely what I have been referring to as "soul food." This was Sheri's first time meeting Brad and Avery and her first time participating in Relay for Life. I have to admit, I was nervous to see them, but as soon as the nerves wore off, it was like no time had passed at all. Avery has decided that he has a little crush on Betsy, despite the fact that she has a serious boyfriend. Strangely enough, the picture with the three of us together, didn't turn out so well - but here's Sheri and Betsy:
Relay for Life was such an emotional event for me this year. Brad's Mom and Dad came and this was their first Relay also. Avery, Brad's Mom and Dad, Brad and I all participated in the survivor lap to kick off the event. I think I cried the entire time. Avery was so proud of all of his laps and even wrote on a board about why he relays - here's a pic of what he wrote:
You probably can't read it so well, but Avery wrote "My Dad has lufuma" (and signed his name). He then went back to the sign and wrote underneath it: "Gone green for Brad" and signed the board again. I loved his spelling of lymphoma. Avery was quite emotional this year also - it's amazing how much he "gets" it as an 11, almost 12 year old. Trying to put a smile on my face during the event, he went and purchased a beautiful necklace from one of the fundraising tables at Relay for me. It was so thoughtful. He was adorable - he came back to the YMCA tent and said that he bought something for me while sharing that he spent one third of the money that he brought to spend throughout the night. Yep, it was the kindest, most heartfelt $5.00 anybody has ever spent on me. I have worn it several times and Avery notices it each time I do.
We have much to be thankful for and only two more sessions to go. We pray for a long remission so that we can put the thought of Brad's bone marrow transplant on the back burner for a while. We are continuously finding ways to feel more connected at our church which feels really amazing.
We have several friends who have been recently diagnosed with cancer and/or are facing medical and personal challenges.
Jilli - know that you are always in our thoughts, in our hearts and minds and in our prayers. I know returning to your chemotherapy regimen this week will be exhausting, but I have faith in you!
Mike - we are praying for you and your family with the hopes that the insurance challenges are somehow answered and that the tumors were discovered in time to prevent amputation.
Jeanne - girl, you need to stay out of the hospital and get yourself well so that we can see each other soon! I love you.
Sheri - I know that we have been reconnected for a reason and a purpose. I have faith that the challenges that have been laid at your feet will be met with grace and dignity.
We are keeping each of you close in our thoughts on a daily basis and will ask for extra strength during such challenging times.
Much love to all of you,
Sandy
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