What Will You Gain?...

The past few days I've continued to think about the Special K advertising campaign that says "What will you gain when you lose?"  It sounds ridiculous that with all the support Brad, Avery and I have had, I feel like I need to put extra time focusing on this campaign to lift my spirits and think about the big picture of what our family is gaining during Brad's bone marrow transplant process. 

Today is Day -6.  If you're unfamiliar with how a transplant works, the days start out negative, counting down the number of days of conditioning treatment a patient has before receiving new, healthy stem cells on Day 0.  Brad started off at Day -8.  Today begins the transplant process for Brad's brother Chad.  For the next 5 days, Chad will go to the transplant clinic to get a Neupogen/Neulasta shot to help him produce the extra white blood cells needed to help make this transplant a success.  On Monday, Chad will donate his cells in a process that will take anywhere from 6-8 hours.  If he's able to donate enough on Monday, Brad will receive them on Tuesday, which is predicted as Day 0 for him.  Yep, May 6th is Brad's anticipated re-birthday and we need him to healthfully get to +100 days, which are the most critical days for engraftment of the new cells in his marrow.

Brad has had 3 radiation treatments already since Monday night and is beginning to feel the side effects.  He has started to lose his taste and says his throat feels like it's getting smaller.  Hearing him say this is confirmation he's likely beginning to develop the anticipated mouth/throat sores that will continue to get worse over the next several days before he begins chemo on Saturday.

While I know this process is a grueling one and I'm trying to be strong, I can't help but feel so weak and helpless right now.  I want to be present every second Brad's in the hospital, but know that's impossible.  I feel like I've "lost" him, our son Avery, our dog Max, our friends, our church, our home...you know...everything that's comfortable and familiar.  The reality is, nearly all of those things are even more present than ever before.  I keep telling myself that this is a temporary situation and I need to stop feeling so emotional about it.  Brad has been fighting this fight for 4 1/2 years and this transplant is his chance to stop fighting.  Certainly, I can do anything for 100 days, particularly for the man I love most in this world.

Since Brad's diagnosis, my faith has continued to grow and become stronger, a journey that is reminding me daily of God's grace.  I think about so many decisions I made when I was younger that I wish I could relive and have a "do over."  As I have continued to think about what I'm losing to gain, I've also been thinking about what He lost so we could gain and am reminded of John 3:16  "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life." 

Thank you Lord for all the blessings You present before me every day.  Even when things are tough, I know Your hand is on my family and we are being protected by You during this storm.  I ask You to calm my anxious heart and give me strength to have faith and hope in this process as you heal Brad.  Continue to watch over Avery and show Your presence while we are away.  I'm asking all this in Your name.  Amen.

+100 days.  I've got this.  We've got this. What are you gaining on the days you feel like you're losing?

Blessings,
Sandy

p.s. If you're looking to help support my Relay For Life goal of selling 100 luminary bags, each one representing the 100 days of good health for Brad, click HERE.  Your bag will be displayed at the Roanoke Relay For Life event on Friday, May 16th.  Each bag is only $10 and is a tax deductible donation.  So far, 58 bags have been purchased!!  Help me light up the track at Northside High School and raise money for the American Cancer Society's fight against cancer.  Thank you for considering a donation!